I'm not even sure where to start. I mean... wow. I just... hmm.

Let's just get into the park. It's called BonBon-Land and it's a creepy, silly, disturbing, irreverent hot mess of a park in Denmark. That was actually a compliment. You know that something ain't right as soon as you get to the entrance.

Enjoy the cuteness of this, it's the most normal thing you'll see. This is a warmup.

A bit of history: The Bonbon candy factory realized that kids are the target market and kids love gross-out humor. So they began naming the candy flavors with grotesque names like "rat vomit" and "dog farts." They were a big hit, because kids. Anyway, the kids wanted to tour the factory where these awful-sounding-but-delicious treats were made. That proved to be a problem, due to health and sanitation regulations where food is made. So, let's build a park! And they did. And hey, let's keep our disgusting humor alive and well in the park. And they did.

Meet Henry.

The first coaster to appear at BonBon-Land was named after their most popular candy. It's called Hundeprutterutchebane. That's Danish for "Dog Fart Coaster." No, seriously. If the giant dog with the giant pile of poop under it isn't enough theming for you, then be aware that the coaster travels through Henry's dog house, where you are 'treated' to fart noises as the coaster goes by.

The whole park is littered with this kind of thing. Kids love toiler humor, after all, and whatever artist populated this park with characters (I've tried to find the name of the artist, but no luck yet) gleefully supplies their grossest needs with reckless abandon, even down to the signs that point out the restrooms.

Now, American readers and even those from a few other countries might be hugely offended at such imagery in a children's park. I mean, really? But wait... you haven't seen anything yet. Behold, the bottom figure on the totem pole around the corner by the merry-go-round.

While other parks theme their rides around super heroes, cartoon princesses, or beloved fairy tales, BonBon-Land offers a rat-themed log flume that lets you float around rats playing in huge piles of garbage. 

Should we clean the water? Nah, it's theming. 

Typical to many theme parks, especially outside the USA, there is a section of the park themed around the American Old West. Simultaneously disturbing and whimsical, it's interesting to see how other parts of the world portray Americans. The gift shop in the Old West area pretty much sums it up: a cowboy in Lee jeans, American flags, a Confederate flag, and a barrel full of gun toys. 'Murica!

fullsizeoutput_795d.jpeg

But wait! This is the American Old West. Gotta have some Indians to go with the cowboy, right? How about... um.... ooh, I know! Let's have a dog in a wig and vest tie up a rat to the totem pole. Oh, and make sure the rat is totally getting off on it. And then the chief can be a moose in a feather headdress texting someone on a wooden cell phone. Yeah, that's America, all right. 

I wish I could tell that this is the extent of the weirdness in this place, but I'd be lying. If you need to see more of the crazy, head on over to the photo gallery for more pics.

For now, let's get back to the coasters. There are three more. One is a Zierer brand family coaster called Viktor Vandorm (Victor the Water Worm) and it's a nice little ride through a marshy meadow. 

And then there's a bigger coaster called "Vild-Svinet" (wild boar) themed to racing. That's the station there under the gorilla picking his nose.

Now, ElloCoaster usually lives by the mantra, "if you don't have something nice to say about a ride, don't say anything at all." Usually. There's an exception going to be made here, though, because the over-the-shoulder restraints on this ride are going to beat the crap out of you for the entire ride. Oh, wait. I can spin this into a positive: Vild-Svinet exists to beat you about the head until the disturbing images you've seen in the park will seem normal. There! Done!

Not done yet.

All of this would be worthy of a visit on its own, just to experience a place that dares you to think, "that's the weirdest thing I've ever seen" and then ups the ante with every new thing you see. But the place has a legitimate coaster that makes the trip to Denmark worthwhile just for the ride itself. Is it a huge, fast, record-breaking megacoaster? No. It's a spinning mouse coaster. 

Stop laughing! Yes, spinning mouse coasters are everywhere, from the smallest theme park to the ubiquitous parking lot carnival. But none of them... NONE OF THEM can even approach this thing. Let's just begin by pointing out that BonBon-Land chose to theme its mouse coaster around cats. "Han-Katten" is Danish for "tomcat". The cars are named "Garfield", "Felix", and... 

of course it's named 'pussy.' Because BonBon-Land is a children's park. 

Now, if you've familiar at all with spinning mouse coasters, you know that the best thing to do is to load the car in such a way that the weight is unevenly distributed. Having one side of the car be heavier than the other insures better spinning. If you want the full effect, put two people on the side of the car facing forward in the station, then put a single person facing backward in the seat closest to the queue. Got it? Good. In most spinning mouse coasters, this arrangement will get you two or three good spins before you get to the brakes. If you're lucky, you might even get five. Let's just plan for that. Five spins! We can do this.

it looks normal. It's not.

Glancing around the layout, you make note of the theming. Among the rats and trash and other stuff, there's a pile of... what, puke? Dunno. Whatever it is, there's a half-eaten penis in it. 

Back to the ride. Focus on the ride! Up the lift hill you go, and it's faster than most. At the top is a rather innocent-looking leaning spiral to get the car rotating. It does the trick, a bit better than expected. Two entire revolutions go by on the very first piece of track. The next part is the mouse-style hairpin turns. These are usually the downfall of spinning coasters, as all it takes is one mis-timed curve to kill the spinning entirely. This isn't going to be one of those times. Han-Katten is possibly the most perfectly engineered spinning coaster in the world. Those turns aren't going to kill the spin. They're going to turbo-charge them. Have a look at this off-ride video. This wasn't even one of the better spinning trips. We'll get to that in a minute.

Now, you're probably thinking right now, "holy crap! Look at them spin!" But like I said, they didn't even get a good ride. The last bit was almost tame... so let's weight the car down better, hop in, and see what a killer ride looks like from on the coaster.

There's a reference at the end of the video to "that one in Mexico." He's talking about that evil spinning mouse at LaFeria Chapultepec in Mexico City. That one spins almost as much as this one, but it's a different design with different cars that are quite painful to ride in. This one has no such discomfort, other than not being able to walk for a few minutes after you get off the ride. 

So if you find yourself in Denmark, head about an hour outside of Copenhagen and go to BonBon-Land. Go for the weirdness. Stay for the best spinning mouse coaster on earth.